Wednesday, April 14, 2010

six years ago

six years ago today i was laying in the hospital with a sweet little baby boy that i love, but who was not meant to be "mine". i was a jumble of every emotion imagineable, i was happy, excited, sad, angry, scared, proud, thankful....but mostly i was just in awe at this little life that i had just brought into the world and how much i loved him...i never knew you could love someone that much.
as i sat and looked into seth's sweet face i couldn't believe that i was planning on placing him with another family...that i had to let him go, but because i loved him as much as i did (and still do), i knew i could do it....that i HAD to do it...for him. he was meant to have a beautiful and perfect life, and at the time i wasn't able to provide that, but i COULD give him a family that would make him their everything and that's what i did.
i held seth every minuet that i could for two days...for two days he was just mine...for two days i told him that i loved him..and for two days I was his everything...it was amazing.
i wish i could be there today on his sixth birthday. i want to watch him open his star wars gifts (he loves star wars). i want to watch him play with his friends and marvel at what a grown up boy he is. but even though i can't be there i know that i will get pictures of his day, and emails telling me exactly what it was like and how happy he was, and he will get my little gift in the mail, and even though it's not much he'll know who it came from and that i still love him and think of him every day.
this may seem like it's a sad blog post, but it's not. i'm so happy today. happy that seth has the family that he was meant to have...that his whole family will be around celebrating him today, that he has the perfect life that every little boy should have..and that he's 6 years old!
i'm not gonna lie...i feel a little empty, like i do every year on his birthday....but that's ok...i knew i would feel this way. i used to feel this way (but 50 times worse)every day, but gradually over time it's gotten better. it's been a long road, and i'm go grateful to all the people who have helped me through...so today is a great day!
happy birthday seth!! i love you!

9 comments:

Holly said...

Ashley, I haven't checked blogs for a while, but I am glad I did today. What a beautiful tribute to Seth! You are AMAZING! Happy Birthday to Seth, and sending you a big hug for making such a selfless and courageous choice!

mcguire family said...

ashley i love reading your posts about you being a birth mom and how much you love seth even tho you cant be with him. being adopted i hope that my birth mother feels the same way :) thank you for your post it was beautiful.

Shalee said...

I love reading your posts about Seth. You are amazing and I hope with all my heart that my boys' birthmoms feel the same way you do!!

Lydia said...

Happy Birthday Seth!

Ash - you are a truly amazing and strong person. I admire you for having the courage to put Seth's overall needs before yours. That says a lot about the type of person you are and the type of person that Stone is going to be. :)

Chelsi said...

Beautiful post. Seth is an incredibly lucky littl boy for many reasons, one big one being you and your unselfish love for him.

Britt and Chad said...

Ash, you are amazing. That was written so well and I can tell it was straight from the heart. It made me a little sad for you but I've talked with several girls who are waiting and praying for a baby through adoption and I know that it must've been such a blessing to the lucky parents who get the chance to raise him.

Leslie said...

beautiful.

R said...

I love reading your sweet birth-mom posts. You are wonderful.

Kimberly said...

This just makes me smile.