Wednesday, August 24, 2011

being a birthmom

we birth parents are all very different. some of us don't like to talk about the fact that we placed a baby, some of us love to talk about it. some of us worry that we will never heal from the pain, some hope the pain never really goes away.  some want a closed adoption, some like to keep it open. some wonder if their baby will be hurt by their decision not to parent, and some are awake every night wondering if their baby is thinking about them. there are a lot of emotions involved in being a birth parent...and  i think even more emotions come into play when that birth parent has another child later and parents that child. being a birth parent is a tough gig....but one i wouldn't trade for anything because i brough an amazing child into this world 7 years ago, and even if it wasn't me who got to parent him....i'm so glad he was born.

i am the kind of birthmom who likes the term "birthmom" or birthmother" makes me proud.
i am the kind of birthmother who likes to talk about adoption and make people aware that it's not a careless decision.
i am a birthmom who cringes when she hears someone say the words "gave their baby up" or gave their baby away" or "didn't want their baby"
i am the kind of birthmother who still feels some of that pain from placing and hoping that it never goes away.
i am the birthmom who, after 7 years still misses that little boy like crazy, and i still wonder if he thinks of me
i wonder if he has questions that he doesn't ask, and if he understands why he's not mine.

i've had a lot of these feelings and thoughts recently. i have an open adoption with seth and his family. meaning we send emails, and pictures, and we can see eachother whenever we all decide we can and want to. i got to see them this last weekend!  my mom, stone, and i were invited to their house in utah for a BBQ, and we had so much fun! seth is so grown up, and tall, and handsome, and athletic. it was so fun to watch him and his siblings and cousins in their own back yard, playing like they always do. as soon as we pulled up and i got out of the car he came right up and gave me a hug...and it felt so good. i know he has questions, and doesn't really know what to say, and he was probably a little nervous (i was too), but he was perfect. he told me all about his new "rip stick", and showed me how he could do back flips on the trampoline, he asked me to take his picture, and he played with stone. it was just the perfect evening.
look at this daredevil!

 so handsome
 kiley (seths older sister) and stone

mom loves to play with the kiddos

what an amazing family
 he was so good to play with stone
 my boy is getting so brave

we had a wonderful time, and i was so proud of seth and how he has turned out. i could not have placed him with a better family, they are amazing. kiley's birthmom and i are always included in their family prayer, and after prayer one night tate (seth's little brother) asked who his birthmom is, kristi (seth's mom) said "i am" (she was able to have tate and annie herself). kristi said that tate seemed a little dissapointed that he only has one mom. haha. i thought that was cute, and it's just an example of the questions that they are going to have to answer forever.  and i know that seth will have questions for me as he gets older.
being a birthmom is emotionally tough, but i love it.


Holly said...

I always love when you post about adoption Ashley! :)

Holly said...

I'm glad you were able to go see him. :) He's getting so big!

Shalee said...

You are amazing. I just love hearing about your thoughts and experiences with adoption. That picture of you and both your boys made me cry. Too cool.

R said...

Thank you for posting about your feelings and experiences. As an adoptive mom, it is so wonderful to understand better what our birthmom may be feeling but doesn't say. You are incredible!