adoption

this morning i've been reading a few blogs about adoption, one about the feelings of a new "birthmom", another about the feelings and experiences of seasoned adoptive parents, and other adoption stories. i guess after going through adoption this is something that catches my interest. after reading a few of these blogs i felt the need to express some of my own feelings, because some of them have changed since the day (6 years ago) that i placed OUR sweet little seth. and as a warning, this will be a little jumbled because they are just my own random thoughts a feelings.

EDIT: I JUST WENT THROUGH AND READ THIS AFTER I WAS FINISHED AND IT'S LONG...AND REALLY JUST MY OWN THOUGHTS AFTER READING SOME OTHER BLOGS.

when i first placed seth i didn't feel like i should (or could) ever be happy again. i thought that feeling happy would mean that i was an awful birthmom almost feeling like "if i REALLY loved him wouldn't i be misserable forever because he's not with me anymore?" i don't feel that way now, i know that it's ok to be happy...in fact i feel like being happy shows my love for seth, it shows him that this was a decision that i didn't make lightly and that it was the best choice for both of us. i'm happy about my choice because i see that he is happy and loved.

i didn't think i was supposed to be happy about my choice. placing a child....MY CHILD should be awful, and dark, and sad. not true. it was hard, and part of me was/is sad, but mostly, when i wasn't thinking of myself...i was very happy that he was where i KNEW he was meant to be. sure it hurt(s) to know that he wasn't meant to be with me...that for him i wasn't the best mother...that we weren't the best family for him (knowing that put me in a dark place for a while), but i'm so happy that i was able to be the best birthmother for him, and to place him with his family. for that i'm truly honored.

not all "birthmothers" feel this way...but i LOVE the term birthmother...i think given circumstances as they were/are it's very honorable and beautiful. that's just me.

i was scared to have...for the lack of a better phrase...."my own" child. what if i didn't love him like i loved seth? what if i loved him more? or less? what would that say about me? what if when seth gets older he wonders why i didn't "keep" him but i "kept" another baby...how will that make him feel? now i see that having gone through adoption has made me appreciate being a mother more than i would have....i think i may have taking motherhood for granted had i not gone through adoption. not saying that women who haven't placed or adopted take motherhood for granted, but i know myself enough to know that i might have. i cherish my moments with stone more because i didn't get those moments with seth...in fact i cherish the moments so much that laundry doesn't get folded...and dishes don't get done. and i know that seths parents tell him every day that i didn't place him because i didn't want him....i placed him because i wanted him to have a better life than i could have given him at the time.

i hate what people say "gave your baby up" or "gave your baby away"...my baby is not a sweater or a CD that i didn't want. i PLACED my baby with another family because i love him. it was not a decision that was made lightly or easily. it was the most serious decision i have ever and will ever make. the next person who says i "gave him away" might just get a beat down :)

i have an open adoption with seth and his family (this is sometime i knew i wanted from the beginning, and it was a big reqirement for finding a family for seth). for us that means that we can email, call, visit, send and recieve pictures and gifts at anytime....as long as all parties involved are ok with it. i'm not scared that seths family will all of a sudden want to have a closed adoption. they have made it clear that they want to do what I'M comfortable with. yes life gets in the way sometimes..and we don't always email once a week like we were in the beginning....in fact it's gotten to where it's once a month...but that's ok too. if i was feeling bad about it i think i could tell them. as a birthmom it is hard to ask for things from the adoptive parents tho...no matter how great they are. sometimes i feel like i have no right to ask for pictures and letters and all that because, legally, he isn't my child anymore....but on the other hand....i gave birth to him and placed him with them....so yes...i have a right to those things...and i don't think any adoptive couple would dissagree with that. if you are a birthmom who feel like you need a little more from your adoptive parents....ask!

before i was a birthmom i didn't know much about adoption...i didn't think about adoption, but when it did pop into my head the image was a big room full of cold looking cribs..and a couple would walk through and pick a baby they liked...like at the pound. i think i knew this wasn't really how it works (at least not around here). but i never wanted that kind of situation for my baby....i HAD to pick the family for him and i HAD to be the one to hand him over to his parents or this wasn't going to happen. i'm sure every agency does things differently...but i got EXACTLY what i wanted. for the most part...any good agency will work with the birthmom and adoptive parents and find something that works. they gave me all kinds of options to make sure i was comfortable and things went the way i needed them to.

(lets not judge my hair or the way i look in this pic....i had just given birth and placed my baby in the arms of another couple...recognize)

when i was pregnant, before i got into adoption..i thought that all agencys were just out to make up my mind for me....to push adoption down my throat till i gave in.....this wasn't the case. at least not with the agency i went through. in fact i went to some counseling sessions with my case worker and they worked with me to think of a way that would work for parenting my child...only after that did we start talking about adoption.

i love talking about my story. i know people are afraid to ask questions or bring it up for fear of upsetting me....but it doesn't upset. yes i might cry, but it's not because i'm sad...it's just still very emotional. but i love the memories, and i don't mind the questions at all. i think a lot of birthmoms are this way. ask us questions...we would love to tell you about our little miricles.

and last...(because i know this is really long)...i don't, for even one second regret my decision. if i was given the chance to go back and do things differently...i wouldn't...i wouldn't even go back and not get pregnant (is that bad?). seth is an amazing little boy, and this is the way he was brought here....i would not take that back. it was hard and painful and downright gutwrenching for me...but if that is the way he was to come to this earth and be with his family....then i'm happy to be the one to bring him here, and i'm so happy that i get to be a small part of his life. adoption was a gift for me too...not just for seth, and not just for seth's parents and family....i think for everyone involved it was a gift. at least that's how i look at it.

i guess the bottom line is that everyone involved in adoption will have a different opinion depending on the way it went for them. but for me...it went as well as it could have in that situation.

as a birthmom

i just want to say that as a birthmom i love knowing that my childs parents are thinking of me. every year on seths birthday i get beautiful flowers with a little note telling me how thankful kristi and riley are for their child....they don't need to send gifts....just a note is great....but i love knowing that they are thinking of me and it means so much that they make the effort to let me know how wonderful their little "gift" is. thanks kristi and riley! i love you!

six years ago

six years ago today i was laying in the hospital with a sweet little baby boy that i love, but who was not meant to be "mine". i was a jumble of every emotion imagineable, i was happy, excited, sad, angry, scared, proud, thankful....but mostly i was just in awe at this little life that i had just brought into the world and how much i loved him...i never knew you could love someone that much.
as i sat and looked into seth's sweet face i couldn't believe that i was planning on placing him with another family...that i had to let him go, but because i loved him as much as i did (and still do), i knew i could do it....that i HAD to do it...for him. he was meant to have a beautiful and perfect life, and at the time i wasn't able to provide that, but i COULD give him a family that would make him their everything and that's what i did.
i held seth every minuet that i could for two days...for two days he was just mine...for two days i told him that i loved him..and for two days I was his everything...it was amazing.
i wish i could be there today on his sixth birthday. i want to watch him open his star wars gifts (he loves star wars). i want to watch him play with his friends and marvel at what a grown up boy he is. but even though i can't be there i know that i will get pictures of his day, and emails telling me exactly what it was like and how happy he was, and he will get my little gift in the mail, and even though it's not much he'll know who it came from and that i still love him and think of him every day.
this may seem like it's a sad blog post, but it's not. i'm so happy today. happy that seth has the family that he was meant to have...that his whole family will be around celebrating him today, that he has the perfect life that every little boy should have..and that he's 6 years old!
i'm not gonna lie...i feel a little empty, like i do every year on his birthday....but that's ok...i knew i would feel this way. i used to feel this way (but 50 times worse)every day, but gradually over time it's gotten better. it's been a long road, and i'm go grateful to all the people who have helped me through...so today is a great day!
happy birthday seth!! i love you!

mother's and birth mother's day!

i hope everyone had a great birth mother/ mother's day weekend. we all know that mother's day is a well known holiday (and i'm so glad that it is), but did you know that birth mother's day is an actual holiday as well (the saturday before mother's day)? we didn't do anything to celebrate, but just knowing that it was a holiday in honor us birth mother's was very heartwarming. it's always a tough weekend for those of us who have placed, but it's wonderful at the same time. i won't get into it, but it's really bitter sweet.

we had a great weekend with our mothers...full of cookouts, great food, gifts, golfing, and a lot of fun company and conversation. it's so fun to get together and just focus on our mom's and remember how lucky we are to have them.

so i hope that you all had a great weekend, and i hope that you honored your mother's, and if you have birth moms in your life, i hope you remembered them as well.

Flattered and Happy

I have to say that I was totally blown away this morning when I logged on to my blog and found that I had 5 new comments on my adoption post! I love getting comments....it's kinda like getting an unexpected note in the mail from a very dear friend. I'm so flattered that so many of you took the time to read my extreamly long story.....thank you. A lot of your comments said how amazing you thought I was, or how brave I am, or how selfless I was to "give" this family a child. Those are all such nice things for you to say, and I'll admit that it feels good to get that kind of praise sometimes.....but there are a few things I wanna clear up. They aren't big things....and unless you are familiar with this side of adoption you would have no idea (maybe I'm just no good at taking a compliment).

First....I wouldn't say that I'm amazing. I know that I did a good thing, and yes it was gutwrenching (and still is).....but any of you parents out there know that if it's what is best for your child, you do it...no questions asked. So I guess in my eyes I'm not "amazing", I'm just a good mother (which I think is pretty great).

Second....just because this was the right choice for my situation and for "my" baby doesn't mean that it would be the right thing for other people. So I don't want it to sound like I look down on someone who didn't make the choice that I made.

Third....as I read back on my story I think I made it sound like I hate Gabe (which I don't but my brothers do) and that he's a creep (which he kind of is). Let me clarify a little. Most of you know him...and of what you all know he was a pretty nice guy right? He was never blatantly rude about anything...he just wan't there, and I needed him. I'm not going to say that I can hear his name without cringing or having imediate bad thoughts about the way he handled (or maybe didn't handle) the situation, but I look back at everything now and I'm so glad that he was such an ass. If he hadn't been then I think things would have turned out much different (I could be married to him...yikes), and Seth might not have the great life he has...and I wouldn't be as happy as I am. Everything works out.

The last thing I wanna say is that I didn't "give" this family a child....I placed my child with a family. I gave my baby the gift that every parent is supposed to be able to provide for their children. They way I look at it....I'm not so much a blessing to Kristi and Riley but they are a blessing to Seth and me (I know that adoptive parents see it the other way...that's one reason that adoption is so great).

So there you have it...I'm not amazing, I'm just a good mother (I think). Thanks again for all of your support though...I love that I feel like I have so many friends here (most of which I haven't seen in years), and I'm so glad that I can say anything and still have some support. You have all been so great!

Now on to the good news......Josh is finally home! I know you are all sick of hearing about it...but I missed him so much. He texted me yesterday at 1 saying that they had landed in Boise because of weather and that he wasn't sure when he would be home and then at 2 the door to my office opened and there he was! He lied to me about Boise but it was ok. I was just so glad to have him home. The rest of the day the dogs wouldn't leave his side. They wanted to be at his feet or snuggling with him all evening....I think they missed him.

My adoption story

It was brought to my attention that I often mention adoption and Seth on my blog...and while most of you know that I placed my sweet baby boy for adoption many of you don't know the story. I was asked to share it (if I felt comfortable with it), and I would be glad to! Some memories are a little hazy....so forgive me if this is a little scattered.
*If you already know the story...or if you don't want to know the story please feel free to move on to other blogs.

**The names in this story have NOT been changed...it is what it is

The important part of my story begins in August of 2003. I was 18, just graduated hish school, I was over a week "late", and I was terrified.

I couldn't be pregnant...that kind of thing happened to "other girls" not me. I didn't "sleep around", it was just one guy. I never stepped out of line...I was a good girl.

Holly knew about the situation and she went with me to wal mart to get a home pregnancy test (Holly was my lifesaver through this whole thing). We went back to her place to take it. I was still in denial thinking that there is no way that this would happen to me....and then I saw the + sigh and I started bawling and shaking.

This is a nightmare...this can't be happening. I haven't been sick at all...aren't you supposed to be sick? Maybe it's a false positive.

Ben (Hollys boyfriend and now husband) came over and held me and let me cry on his shoulder (thanks Ben). Neither of them knew what to say. I didn't know what to say. I called gabe the next day to let him know..he was working and promised that he would call me back...he never did. For 3 and 1/2 months I went through my "hell" with only Holly, Ben, and a few other close friends to help me. I worked and spent time with my family pretending that everything was normal. I knew that if I didn't say something soon I would start showing and that would be even worse...and more importnant, I knew I needed to get to the doctor to make sure everything was ok. But I kept silent.
Finally, late one night in November I got a call from Gabe. His first question "do you want me to take you somewhere to get an abortion?". I was so angry! I couldn't believe that he would want to do that to "our" baby! I told him no and he asked what we were going to do. I told him that since he had left me to deal with this alone for almost 4 months I had made the decision to place "my" baby for adoption, and that he didn't get a say. He said he would be there and help however he could (lies). He apologized for the way he handled the news and that he was scared.

I'm scared to but I have to deal with it..why doesn't he?

I started to believe that he would really help me to break the news to my family, and to help me pick the perfect parents for "our" baby.
About a week later I was over at Hollys and I got a call from my mom saying that I needed to come home....

She knows....

I walked into the house and my mom was sitting at the table with my aunt and a friend of theirs. My mom said "Sunde heard that you are pregnant...I need you to tell her that it isn't true". I broke down bawling. The rest of the night my mom and I sat up and talked about what I wanted to do about it...and how far along was I...had I been to the doctor. My dad and brothers were out of town and due back the next day, we were going to have to tell them.

Dad is going to kick me out...my family is going to hate me.

I remember that it was a Sunday night and mom and I were watching The Wizard of Oz on TV (the part with the horse of every color) when they walked in. My mom got right up and took my dad back to their room...and it felt like an eternity before they came out again. I was told to go sit on their bed while they got my brothers together. They all came in and my mom broke the news to everyone while I laid in my dads lap and cried. Then everyone was crying. I couldn't have felt any worse... My dad said that I had to call Gabe and have him and his parents come over to talk. I called and Gabe said that he didn't think that his parents needed to know....dad grabbed the phone and told him that if he wasn't going to tell his parents then he would call them and they would ahve to hear it from a starnger because his daughter shouldn't have to do this alone (I love my daddy).
They came over and Gabe sat by me on the couch like he cared. Said that he would be there. Said that he loved me. Dad asked if we were going to get married

No way!

I told everyone that I have decided on adoption and that was that. Gabes mom wanted me to cosider her daughter that couldn't have kids.
My mom took me to the doctor the next day...and Gabes mom (uninvited) showed up as well...but no Gabe.

Not suprised

We found out that I was over 4 months along and that I was having a boy (for some reason I already knew that)! His mom was really sweet and wanted to be involved. My mom was letting herself get excited.
My mom got me an appointment with LDS family services and I met with my caseworker (no Gabe). She asked if I was sure about my decision and why I thought this was right

because I love him more than anything...and I want him to have everything. I knew I could be enough....and I knew that I could make a life good enough, but I didn't want him to have to settle for "enough". I wanted him to have everything. A complete family. A mom that would be around. A dad. Happiness. I could not make up the difference between myself and the family he COULD have. No amount of overcompensation would do.

I started the paperwork...medical history for both Gabe and I (Gabe wasn't there...how was I supposed to know). Drug history for both of us (again....how do I know?). Appearance (at least I knew that Gabe was good looking...I know something about him....score!). What kind of hobbies do I want him to grow up learning? What qualities do I want the people that I choose for my son to have? All kinds of questions that were so painful to answer. The case worker (Janna) said that she would have some files for me the next week.
During that week my cousin stopped by and asked if I would consider looking at a file from a friend of hers whos daughter and son-in-law were looking to adopt again. Of course I would! She sent me the file and I instantly fell in love with them...everything about them....and I felt like I knew them somehow. They had adopted a sweet little girl about a year before Seth was due. And the dad was perfect. He sounded like the man that I would want my baby to grow up and be.

I love them! But there is no way that choosing a family is this easy

So I looked at all of the other 10 files that Janna put together for me (most of the couples were redheads....I thought that was kind of funny). I had them all for over a week, and I really liked some of them....but I just kept thinking of the first file. I kept going back to that sweet dad....his beautiful smile (for some reason Riley was the one who stuck in my mind the most....maybe because I was so intent on Seth having a GREAT dad), and the story that was told in the file about how sweet he is. I loved Kristi and the fact that she seemed like the best mom I could ever want for my baby (better than me). I couldn't get them out of my mind. I took that to mean that they were the ones (Gabes sister was very upset that I didn't pick her). I asked Janna to contact them and let them know....she asked if I would be up to meeting them in person..

I can do that? I have a chance to meet the people that could be the ones that raise "my" baby as their own? Of course I want to meet them!

I was so nervous the day that we met. I knew they were great people, but what would they think of me? By now I was about 7 or 8 months along and starting to get big. When I walked into the room they both gave me and my mom hugs and it was like we knew eachother. I felt like I knew them from somewhere. They brought photo albums to show me...and I brought and ultrasound picture. We talked and laughed for a few hours....they were the best! I loved them! I knew that the baby I was carrying was theirs. We worked out how open we wanted the adoption to be....they were so acomidating....whatever I wanted they were ok with. We worked it all out....they even told me that I could name the baby if I wanted. I told them he was theirs and they should name him. It was time to leave and I didn't want to. I felt like they were a part of our family...like Kristi and I were sisters....I fianlly felt like everything was ok...and this is how it should be.
Kristi and Riley made another trip to see me before Seth was born. They brought me a blanket to wrap him in while he was in the hospital that I could keep so I felt like I had a peice of him. We had tied a few quilts for them too. They told me that they had two names that they liked and wanted me to pick between them...they like Christopher and Seth. As soon as I heard it I knew he was a Seth. Seth Riley Wright.
About 2 weeks before my due date I wasn't feeling well. It was 6:00 pm and my mom was gone for a few hours. I laid on the couch and talked to my brothers while my back ached every so often. I didn't think much of it because people told me that when you start having contractions you know it. So I just thought my back was hurting. When my mom got home around 8 I told her what was happening and she timed the pain and decided that they were contractions!

I can't be having contractions....it's my back...not my stomach.....who has contractions in their back? Plus it's like 2 weeks early.

Apparently my mom did and she didn't tell me! I was in labor! It didn't hurt like people tell you...it was mostly just uncomfortable. We waited until midnight and then we went to the hospital....

I can't believe this is happening....I'm having a baby.....I'm not ready for this to be over yet....I'm not ready to let him go....What if I can't do it?...... It's gonna hurt....Oh..I can't do this!!!!!

We got checked in and then the pain got a lot worse (still not as bad as people say tho). I don't remember much about the delivery...or the time that I was in labor.....but I remember that it was AMAZING! My mom was there and was so great. He was born perfect on 4/14/04 at 6:03 am 6lbs. 7oz. and 21 1/2 in long.
The rest of that day and the next was a whirlwind of visitors (none of which were Gabe...but his sister stopped by just long enough to cause a scene), tears, terror, and peace. Kristi and Riley were informed about Seths birth as soon as I went to the hospital and they promptly sent me a dozen roses and then started the 6 hour drive to get their baby! They gave me my space though and I got Seth all to myself for over 24 hours! I don't think I slept at all...and just held him...sang to him....and cried with him. My friends and family were all so amazing to be right by my side.
One the 15th at 6 we met with Kristi and Riley and LDS family services. We spent an hour chatting before I brought the baby to them. My whole family was there to meet our new family members and I felt like that needed to happen without the tears. I went to a different room to get Seth....the walk down that hall was the longest walk of my life....tears....

I love you...I hope you understand that this is what is best....I hope you will always know how much I love you, if I didn't I wouldn't be doing this.....they are the best family...you will love them.....i love you i love you i love you

I opened the door to the placement room and Riley stood up so fast and it made me smile....this was Seths dad...and he already loves him. I placed him in Rileys arms and he hugged me and Kristi hugged me and we cried.....everyone cried. It was the most beautiful moment....I was hurting and so sad....but as I watched this new family with their new baby I was so happy and so filled with peace....I knew this was right. And I knew this was Seths family.

Wow...I never thought I would be here....I never imagined that this would be part of my life....but here I am

We spent another few hours there passing the baby around, crying, laughing, and exchanging gifts (they brought me a beautiful hear shaped locket).
We left and my mom and dad took me and my brothers to baskin robbins and we cried.

My life is driving off with another family....I'm so empty.....will I ever feel "normal" again.....am I always going to feel hollow.....I'm so happy that "my" baby has a complete family....I know I did the best thing for him...I don't care how I feel as long as he is safe and happy...

The next day I had to meet with Gabe (who still to this day has never held or seen Seth) and Kristy and Riley to sign some papers before they could take him out of the state. I had cried all night long so I can only imagine how I must have looked. They didn't bring the baby and I was glad...I don't think I could have handled it. Gabe was nice enough....but never even asked me how anything went or how I was feeling (nice). Kristi and Riley had written me a letter telling me how their first night went....it was so thoughtful. After court I hugged Kristi and Riley and I don't think any of us wanted to let go. It was a beautiful day and I knew that I was going to be fine....and eventually it wouldn't hurt so much. I knew that time would never heal...but I knew that the pain would subside eventually. I walked outside and breathed in and it felt like the first breath of my life.

I wouldn't trade this experiance for anything....it made me who I am going to be.

Almost 5 years later and here I am. I still hurt a lot...and think of Seth every single day. Sometimes I cry. To this day, every year on Seths birthday I get flowers from Kristi and Riley and a note saying that on his birthday they think of me and the "gift" I gave them. I look at it as the day I gave him the gift of a family.

That's my story....you might not get it....and you might not agree with it. sorry that it's hazy and jumbled and super long. I'm not a writer...and I'm sure that you don't get the feelings that you could if someone else had written it....but I love my story.

Adoption...it's about love

I ran across this video on the r house blog and I watched it and HAD to post it on my blog as well. I agree 100% with everything that is said in the video, and it touched my heart. There are so many negative words and thoughts and stories that go around about adoption and I think that's because people are really uneducated about the process. I was at an apointment today and was talking to a gal that has a brother who is planning on placing his child for adoption (the mother wants nothing to do with the process). He has a family chosen and they sound like great people, and as I was talking to this gal she was asking me all kinds of questions about adoption and it really hit me how missinformed people are. I'm sure it has a lot to do with how adoption is portrayed in movies (I watched "Martian Child" over the weekend and it was such a cute movie...but the way that his adoption works out breaks my heart because that isn't the way it goes...or it isn't the way it should go) and media. Bottom line is that adoption is amazing...for all parties involved. As hard and as gut wrenchingly painful it is....I wouldn't change it for the world. So here's the video...enjoy.

Ready for This?

Only 10 Days till Christmas! I can't believe that it's really that close. Lucky for me I'm pretty much ready for it. This weekend I went out and finished up my shopping (except that I'm getting a little nearvous that one of the gifts I ordered off the internet isn't gonna be here on time), my house is as decorated as it's gonna get (Josh thinks our house looks sad with lights on it...so he won't put any up), we got about 8 inches of snow this weekend, and we have the dates for all of our Christmas get togethers planned out. The sad thing is that this year I'm not as cheerful as a person should be around the holidays. Christmas music and snow and shopping for others usually puts me in a very Christmasy mood....but this year all I can seem to muster up is a fake smile...I hate that what I'm going through bothers me so much...and puts me in such a rotten mood (my poor husband). Oh well...I'll just keep trying...Christmas is a time for miracles right? I'm just glad that I'm ready for the holiday.

I've also been thinking a lot about adoption lately (it always seems to make me feel better)....not just about Seths adoption (although that's the one that comes to my mind first), but adoption in general, and about how many Christmas's are made so special and amazing by those of us (birth mothers and fathers) that love our babies enough to give them a family (yes I realize that makes me sound a little concieted, but what can I say? I'm proud of my decision!). I am so happy that he has a family to spend his life with and a family who can make Christmas (and every day) magical for him (I'm just sorry that it couldn't be me). I have a friend who is hoping to be chosen to have a sweet baby placed into her family and my heart goes out to her. I know how much she wants this...and how aggonizing it must be to just have to wait and wonder. I know she will be an amazing mother. I follow the R House blog very closely (it's one of my favorite blogs)...and I admire Mrs. R for her commitment and love for adoption...I love her adoption stories (even though some are sad). Adoption has just been on my mind lately...and it always feels nice to type out my thoughts...even thought they are random and a little scattered. Sorry about that.

National Adoption Month

I've been thinking a lot about Seth lately...and about all of the couples out there who are having a hard time with infertility (or whatever the case may be). I remembered that November is National Adoption Month. I think adoption is amazing. I keep thinking about how different mine and Seth's life would be if adoption hadn't been an option. I'm sure we would have been fine...but I'm so glad that I had the oportunity to give my baby the world. I KNOW that he has the life he deserves...he has a loving mom and dad...a sister and a brother...and a HUGE extended family that loves him and are so grateful to have him. Do I miss him? Every day. Does it still hurt? Of course.
When I got pictures of him for my birthday I didn't cry (I think that's the first time in 4 years), I wanted to...but it was so comforting to see pictures of his birthday and his mom and dad were both there...and he was so happy.
I guess all I'm saying is that I'm so glad that adoption is a possible option....it always hurts...but it's such an amazing thing. So for those of you waiting to adopt...or those of who who are thinking of placing...good luck...it's all worth it.
Please ignore how nasty I look in this one.

November is National Adoption Month!

From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours

This has been one of my favorite songs ever since I placed Seth...I was given a Micheal McLain CD by my cousin on the day that Seth was born...and when I got home from placing him I listened to this song over and over and just cried (I still cry every time I hear it)...because it's so true. I've been looking for a good video or track of the song and I ran accross this on the R House blog and I had to post it. I think Marie does such a great job...and its so touching to me to have someone sing it that cares so much. Enjoy (you will have to stop the music at the bottom of my blog)

Two Mothers

I know that I post about adoption a lot, and you may all be getting sick of it, but it is such a huge part of my life. Any time I hear anything about adoption...weather it be a song, a poem, a story, or a personal experience it brings me back to that time. I hold all of it very close to my heart, and after a while I feel like if I don't let it out in some way or another (usually it comes out my eyeballs in the form of tears and Josh feels bad and doesn't know what to do about it) I feel like I will burst! So I'm starting to use part of my blog as my emotional relese. Anyways....I found this poem/story on a blog while I was blog lurking, I don't who she is, and I hope that she doesn't mind that I took this off of her blog. Enjoy!

"Once there were two expectant mothers. One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart. She became your birthmother. The other carried the hope of you within her. She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger, Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after your birth. Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.
One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other. They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend. Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you. Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.
They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life. So now you have two families, one by birth, the other by adoption. And you have a home where you can get: your questions answered, your boo boos bandaged, your heartaches soothed, And much needed hugs. And a place where you can find: answers to your questions, your image in the mirror, a part of yourself, And much needed hugs.
Two different kinds of families Two different kinds of love, Both a part of you."

This is a picture from last summer of Seth and his two mothers (I know its not a flattering picture of me. I look prego and im not, but it is a super cute one of Seth). We both love him so much.

Everything to Me

I found this music video on the R House blog (I love visiting their blog to read and hear all of the amazing stories of adoption) and I had to post it on mine as well. The guy who sings this song is an adopted child and he sings this amazing song (and yes it made me cry) about the reality of adoption. There are a few phrases and a few scenes that I'm not sure that I like....he uses the phrase "you gave me up" that phrase makes me cringe every time I hear it. I know that to most people that is what it is...but to those of us who have been there, it hurts...and there is a scene where the baby is taken from the young woman by a nurse and the nurse places the baby in the new parents arms...maybe I don't like that just because that's not how it happened for me, it just seems so impersonal. I placed Seth in his dads arms, and he hugged me and they told me how much they loved me and assured me how much they would love "our" baby. In the video it just makes it all soom so brutal and cold, and it's not like that (mr's r had the same complaints about the video, maybe its just something that those of us who have been on either side of adoption gets touchy about).

Anyways...I didn't mean to go off on a tangent, because the video really is beautiful and the song is so touching. Watch it and let me know what you think. (You will have to pause the music on my page..sorry)

This is Love

*i found this poem on the R House blog, and it hit super close to home, so i just had to post it...enjoy.

This is Love

by Kris Kroeker 2005

I know you love me
You loved me from the start
I know that you want the best for me
I know this because you made a plan for me
A plan so I would grow up with my mom and dad
A mom and dad you knew would love me as much as you do
I know it tore your heart apart to make this plan for me
I know it hurt when you put me first
I know that you feel the pain of empty arms
I know that my pictures are spread across your walls to try and fill the hole

You need to know that I was hurting too
I felt the loneliness
I felt the emptiness when my new parents held me
When you were gone
When I couldn't hear your familiar voice
I was too little to put it into words, but I cried out for you
I wanted YOU to hold me
I wanted to hear YOUR voice
But it didn't work that way
Life gave me hurt and loneliness
But you knew that your plan was good
And that your love was bigger than the pain
It would have been so easy for you to hold me tight and never let me go
But you were too strong for that
You knew what your love would do
You knew the pain would heal
You knew I needed my mom and dad
And you knew they needed me
You knew I would be loved
And that when love is shared it grows
I know that love
I feel it every day
Every time my mom picks me up and holds me
Every time my dad laughs at some little thing I do
When they wake me up to squeeze me in the morning
And when they put me down in bed for night
I know that I am loved

This is love
You died inside when you showed your love
You sacrificed your world for me
I will always remember what you gave
You gave me life
You gave me my parents
You gave me love

This is love

4th Birthday

Today is Seth's 4th Birthday, and his parents (Kristi and Riley) sent me flowers. They do this every year on Seths birthday, and they always send a card with them telling me how much they love and appreciate me and the sacrifice I made. They are just so thoughtful. They always keep me updated on what they are doing and they email me about twice a month! I just keep thinking how grateful I am for them, I really could not have picked a better family to place Seth with. It's been a tough few days for me thinking of all the moments that I have missed, but I'm also happy that he's happy and has such a wonderful family.

I can't belive how fast time can fly. When I placed him I thought that time would just crawl without him...and for a long time it did, and I guess sometimes it still does, but when I look back it seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital and thinking to myself "can I really do this?" In four years my baby has grown into His mom and dads little boy. He is going to start taking T-Ball this summer, and he is already wrighting his letters. He loves to swim, and he loves to play with his brand new little brother. He loves his big sister and they do everything together.
So...here's to Seth. Happy Birthday...I love you.